There I sat in the quiet sterile of my Endocrinologists office. I had brought both of my girls with me. It was check-up time for me. We're having to adjust my thyroid medication postpartum, and do a "cancer check". My baby girl was still in her car-seat, and my older girl sat next to me chatting away.
My doctor came in with a flourish. He's that kind of man. He comes in with a swish and you can almost feel a burst of wind as the door shuts behind him. He gets down to business and we discuss how I'm feeling, and the end of my pregnancy and what led up to my daughter being born early. He listened as I went over the last couple of weeks of the pregnancy and the labor and delivery. And her diagnosis right after birth.
He stopped typing notes on his laptop and turned and looked at me. With sadness and shock on his face he said, "I'm sorry! Let me see her." For a split second I was taken aback. I turned her seat so he could see her. It was... awkward. I put a smile on and told him what a blessing she's been and how lovely an addition she's been to the family, how easy a baby she is to care for and love. We went back to discussing my health, and then the girls and I left.
We stopped in at Starbucks for a special treat and drink, and then stopped in at TJ Maxx to do some browsing around. I had the baby in my Moby wrap, all snuggled in. As we entered the store an older, very well dressed lady walked over with a big smile exclaiming about the tininess of baby-girl. She asked how old she was, and started moving closer. And here's the awkward part; as she moved closer, I found myself backing away and shielding my baby-girl. I wasn't hiding her, I found myself wanting to protect her from....what? Or maybe I was protecting myself from another "I'm sorry!", or that look that I subconsciously knew would come. I'm still working this through.
There are some things I think I need to work out in my head and heart. I will never hide her, of that I'm certain. The Mama-Bear in me wants to protect her. I don't need to hear "I'm sorry". Certain things will come our way, and I know I may struggle at times. What I wasn't expecting was to struggle with other peoples reactions in this way.
Where this post is going, or what I'm trying to say...I'm not really sure. I guess I'm just working through something I don't quite understand yet.