Yesterday I brought my work outside. The light is better on the porch.
I moved my sewing machines out to do some sewing, my pens and paints and ink and paper. My coffee. I stared off into space. (Or rather I let my mind wander as I watched to make sure my three year old didn't escape the yard again.) But really, my mind was on some work. I was supposed to be drawing a peacock. I had started. I have let a drawing just flow out, and then my creative song came to a complete halt.
I get stuck sometimes. It's truly a painful experience. I was feeling the "tormented artist", mostly tormented by my own need to get this vision out and no matter how hard I tried, it wasn't coming. I admire tattoo artists who can create on a moments notice. I'm not that talented. My art comes from some place else, and when it decides it's not going to happen....it's like a million needles jabbing my eyes. I get angry. What is that?
I drew it 5 different times. It wasn't right. I colored it. It wasn't right. I commiserated with my mom, who happens to be one of the most amazing artists. My music is gone, I told her. I couldn't make it happen, "it's like I forgot how to do this", I told her. She told me, "This isn't uncommon. In fact, this happens all the time with artists." That wasn't comforting. She gave me pointers, and tried to help me get back into my groove. Nope. Still frustrated.
I threw a half illustrated diaper cut into my scrap drawer. I may revisit that one later. Right now I'm angry at it for what it isn't-- perfect.
So I stopped. And stared at my chickens. I tried to see things differently.
I shoved the drawing in a corner of my table and changed what I was doing. I took out my water colors and brought a bird to life.
"See! That just happened! Why can't that happen with this peacock?"
Drawing with fabric markers on fabric is entirely different than using paint on paper or canvas. The ink behaves differently. It interacts with the fabric differently.That was part of my frustration. The ink was acting differently on this different material.
It was late when I finally fell back into my music, and things started to come out the way I was hoping. They didn't start out that way, but I let it go and just kept going. I finally figured it out--I had to let go.
When I let go, the music started to flow again.
One thing I do appreciate about these illustrated diapers....
They are a challenge!