27.11.12

A peek inside.




Can I share with you a struggle I have been going through? 

First, I've struggled with sharing too much about my family here. I've gone back and forth over whether I should just keep family separate entirely from my blog. I tried, for the longest time, to keep this here just about me and what I love doing. But...That's so impossible. I start to feel disconnected. They are my life and I can't keep them away from here because it's what my life is all about right now. They are young and will only be that way for a short time, and I need to treasure that and do my best as mom. 

I know there are so many people out there that struggle with balancing work and raising a family, and sometimes I feel like I'm not doing that great a job at either. And both are necessary right now. There are so many things that I would love to be doing to build up my business online. I stay home because my kids need me. (An explanation of what happens when I leave them with other people would have to wait until another time!) Offers of help and support from fellow crafters and bloggers, customers and friends have been generous and many, and yet I've had to turn them down or put them on hold because my little family can't afford the time it would take me away from them. The dynamic is very fragile. I feel I'm not talented enough to do both with excellence. 

I see moms with kids that have physical disabilities and yet they succeed at growing amazing businesses from home or are phenomenal bloggers with huge fan-bases. I struggle to keep jealousy and comparisons under control within myself. My kids don't have physical disabilities and yet I struggle so much some days to keep it together, both for them and myself. In my little family my children struggle with Aspergers, Depression & Anxiety disorders, ADHD, and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. We struggle with emotional disabilities, tantrums (what feels like hundreds of times) through out the day, and just generally trying to make it through the day without misunderstandings and people getting upset. It's almost impossible to get through the day without some sort of upset with someone. It's probably more likely for there to be upsets everyday than it is for there to be a day of complete peace. Please, don't take this as me complaining. I love my children more than anything and would do anything for them. And please don't feel sorry for me. More than anything, I think, I just seek understanding

Often times our struggles start before the sun even rises. I have a sleep walker. I sleep lightly to make sure he doesn't get hurt, injure others, or have an accident. Sometimes a tantrum will happen while trying to get him back to bed. My defiant child often is violent in his sleep and often times I wake to a less than gentle way in the night/morning. Some days I can work for hours at a time, and some days I can't work at all because of tantrums and my defiant one being defiant about every. little. thing. I find I have to do a lot of explaining sometimes. Sometimes it's easier to say, "my kids been sick" because an explanation of behavioral or emotional problems would take too long or be lost on deaf ears.

If I'm quiet for a while I may be sitting staring at a blank wall, sweating like crazy, trying to recover from having to hold a tantruming child to keep them from beating the dog or myself, or from banging his head incessantly on a wall. This is just my life. I just wanted you to know, to understand.

My work, it's like a treat. It is peace. It is joy. I look forward to every single stitch I make and thread I have to rip! 

It's the balancing that I'm still learning, that I'm still figuring out.


2 comments:

  1. Hi, You do not know me but I follow you on facebook and always wonder HOW in the world you can make so much stuff while caring for THREE beautiful children at the same time. You are doing great, mama!

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  2. Celeste...this is Gwen!!! I admire all that you endure, all that you do and for the sacrifice you and the children have made for my son being in the service....I do understand your struggles even though I have not had to deal with half of them. I pray for you and the children daily and continue to believe that it will work in the end. You are building a strong religious faith in each of them and for that I am eternally thankful. I believe that God will richly bless you and your family.

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